Okay

[coffeesnob318]

[Disclaimer - this is not aimed at any of you. This is not actually aimed at anyone. Well, maybe it's aimed at me a little, because I have unreasonable expectations for myself. This is just me sorting through crap. And I really appreciate all the sweet thoughts and virtual hugs you have sent my way. They help more than you know.]

Student - "How are you?"

Me - "I'm okay."

Student - *concerned, sympathetic look/arm touch* "I hope things get better really soon."

I find it odd that saying that I'm okay is troubling to people. Since when does "okay" = "bad?" And why the urgency for it to "get better?"

Don't get me wrong - I understand the sentiment, and I appreciate it. They don't know me that well, but they want to let me know that they see that I'm not particularly happy. That's fine. Actually, that's really sweet.

But being happy all the time is not realistic (or even desirable).

Sad things happen sometimes. They've just been more plentiful than usual this semester.

People whom I love have died.

People whom I love have gotten sick.

People whom I love have lost jobs and have had/do have uncertain futures ahead of them.

And we really must start taking up a collection for Sam and Alexis to travel to New Zealand to see family more than once a year for shorter periods of time, because it's only been three weeks, and I miss them so much already that I'm not quite sure I'm going to make it the rest of the two months.

It is okay (and healthy) for me to be sad right now. There is a time to mourn. Sadness doesn't mean that I'm without joy or peace. Sadness doesn't necessarily mean I'm depressed. Sadness doesn't have to be fixed or made better.

Sad is okay.

And never is my introversion more apparent than when I'm sad. Have I mentioned how much I love the RAs? Not today, you say? :) Sick to death of hearing about them, you say? I can't help it (the loving or the constant need for gushing). You don't know how much of a change this is for me.

It's been about four years since I've worked with people whom I actually get to work with. That sounds weird, but it's true. When you teach part-time at three different places in three different counties, you're spread too thin to form any sort of professional relationship with your coworkers. And even though I'm only at one of the schools now, I'm still not close to anyone at that school, because I'm there only briefly, and most of the time is spent in class, which I plan and facilitate independently of anyone else.

It was different when I was teaching at UNT. For the basic course, there was one lecturer and a horde of TAs - we worked together on the class. And even though I planned and taught a lot of classes on my own there, too, I was still in the office with everyone on a regular basis. We had lots of time to sit around and talk, not just about work but about life in general. And then, of course, there were the inevitable mass movements to the bar, where we got to know each other even better. And it was fun. I mean, we each still had our own lives and our own friends, but we were friends with each other, too.

So for four years, I've missed that kind of connection. I like to work on my own with minimal supervision, but I also like having company. Without it, I get burnt out more quickly, and I'm less motivated to get things done until they absolutely have to get done.

And then the night desk clerk job became available in Mel's hall.

Now I find myself at one place again, for long periods at a time, surrounded by this amazing staff that I get to interact with and assist with whatever they need. That's not just bias - they are amazing. Just because I'm biased doesn't mean it's not true. And these amazing people have infected me.

There is a common concept in some Christian circles called "guarding your heart." It is most often used in reference to romantic endeavors, but I've also heard the term applied to other relationships, particularly those with people that have the potential to suck you dry with their clinging and neediness. Basically, to guard your heart is to make sure that you don't get too emotionally attached to someone who either doesn't reciprocate those feelings or doesn't handle them with care and respect. Theoretically, it's a sound concept. It makes logical sense to protect yourself from unnecessary hurt by being particular about whom you date. You saw the rave review of He's Just Not that Into You; I am quite an advocate of not being a doormat. And I have said, "Be careful," to way too many friends to completely abandon the concept.

But here's where guarding your heart breaks down - when people become so concerned with protecting themselves from hurt and so choosy about whom they will allow to be around them that they stifle the immense capacity for love that most humans have. Also, what is especially disturbing about the popularity of this concept with Christians is that it tends to serve as an excuse not to trust God. I mean, who made guarding my heart my responsibility? I want to trust God completely, and that includes letting God protect my heart. Obsession with being in control is not trust. If your boss said, "I trust you," but was constantly checking up on you and looking over your shoulder, would you believe him/her? Trust is so scary, because it involves a release of previously held responsibility to someone else.

But real trust is also freeing. I am free to love with reckless abandon and not have to worry about whether I'm loving too much, because I know I can trust my protector.

I've been there with friends and family for a while now (and yes, by friends, I mean you, too *points*), but now I'm also there with the RAs.

I find myself having moments like these:
- I'm watching My Fair Lady on TV, and the guy is singing "On the Street Where You Live." And suddenly I'm getting misty-eyed and fighting the urge to drop by SFT...just to drop by.
- Or I'm distracted from the whole point of Rent, because I'm consumed with wondering why that group of friends and their ex-roommate/friend who owns the building can't seem to reconcile. I also wonder how they can seem so uninterested in doing so. Didn't they, once upon a time, claim to love (or at least like a whole lot) each other? Love goes to immeasurable lengths to work it out. Is it really so damn hard to just get along?
- Or I'm listening to Lifehouse (which I don't often do because, although I realize that they're technically/kind of/almost a Christian band so there's a good chance that the love songs are to Jesus and that's cool, there's also a good chance that they're not and that's a little codependent for my taste), and they sing a phrase that one of the RAs used recently, and I'm overcome with joy at the simple memory.
- Or I'm watching House tonight, and I am overcome with a sense of injustice. I mean, I was royally pissed off at the way the episode ended. I'll leave it at that, so as not to spoil those who plan to watch it but haven't yet - I'll be less cryptic in my recap later - but suffice it to say that many of tonight's scenes had far too eerily familiar themes for my comfort.

I know. *points at self* Freak.

Reckless abandon. Shameless affection. It's exhilarating and, at times, painful. But even then it's a good kind of pain.

I was telling someone earlier (or maybe, since I can't remember exactly whom I was telling, the person I was telling was actually just myself) that I have the best job in the building. I get all the good stuff. I get to celebrate with them when they win competitions or when they do well on a paper. I get to interact and be part of the team, but since most of my duties are administrative, my job itself is not directly affected by any negative drama that might occur, so I'm not sucked into said drama unless I choose to be. So when sad things happen, I have the luxury of a simple viewpoint. If they experience loss, I don't have to fix it - I can just love them and offer comfort. If they are upset about something, I don't have to (and really, really shouldn't *sigh* Ah, learning process) take sides - I can just love them and listen. If they leave, it's not my business to rationalize it - I can just love them and miss them.

I'm really quite lucky.

I am also, for the time being, sad. And I'm okay with that.

Comments

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

I hate when people try to rush a person out of legitimate sadness. There's a difference between sadness due to events and depression. It's frustrating and feel ingenuine.

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

My Tuesday night class kept trying to make me laugh, as if laughing would trick me into feeling better. It was exhausting.

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I would be worried about you if you weren't sad.

For that matter I would be worried about you if you "guarded" your heart any more than you do. You are not a freak. You are a human (one of the better of the breed) witha big heart. You have a huge capacity for love and you embrace it. It's one of the many ways you share Christ's love w/ those arouund you. It's also something wich at some point will bring you pain, butthe random bits of joy scattterd through your day/life are so worth the possibility of getting hurt.

You are way better w/ the heart guarding than I am. I tend to love w/ reckless abandon no matter what untill I have been sapped dry. You're one of the people I call when I'm in doormat mode to give me sound non-doormat advise. (whether I follow said advise is an entirly different post).

Arg. A man from Japan and it took us half and hour to have a 4 minute conversation because his english was pretty bad. I have idea where this commentwas going.

I love you. You are not a freak. You are an inspiration. When are we going wasaling? (I could not have spelled that right)

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Aw, thanks. *shuffles feet; gets shy and blushes*

I'm going wassailing tomorrow night on the square. For an hour at least. Then I have to come to the dorm for Ray's memorial service. Oh well. It's not like the wassail on the square is potent enough to keep me occupied for more than an hour - it's a family event, so the wassail is more like glorified apple juice than anything else.

Where did you have in mind for our wassailing to take place?

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

I have ben told repeatedly that I must go wassailing w/ you and other Denton peeps at the square. Alas I never actually get around to going. Perhaps next year.

That reminds me, the college/career croup is having another party this year. It will not be a progressive dinner, as they seem to be pain in the ass for everyone. I do not know the exact date and time but you and Tammy and anyone else are more than welcome. I'll get the date and time to you asap. we are also having our Christmas play instead of regualr service on Dec. 18 @ 10:15. I get to be the villian. *evil laugh*. You and all the Denton folks are invited to this as well.

I worked out till I thought my arms were going to pop off last night. Today it hurts to type.

I have told you of Mr. Right. Have I mentioned my complete inability to speak to him and the fear that I will loose all control of my motor functions if I do?

I'm always shy around new people and in new situations/places. But he, the gym, working out, etc are no longer that new. I am crazy shy around him. I can smile, wave, say "hi" as we pass eachother, but the thougth of trying to go have an actual conversation is horrifying. Do you think this means that...
A. He really could be mr. right and/or someone who I would bebefit from knowing better and the enemy is using fear to keep me from him.
B. He is not someone I need to know and God is trying to keep me from him.
C. I don't want to know if he's Mr. right cause that would lead to all that trusty lovey stuff stuff I'm so fond/terrified of.
D. I don't want to know if he's not Mr. right because then I have to continue that search and face the reality of being alone and w/out prospects.
E. Some combination of these
F. Something I haven't even thought of yet.
G. A combination of these and something I haven't even thought of yet.
H. I am totaly OCD and should seek medical attention asap.

I think I'm socialy retarded and will have the mind set of a jaded 12yr old forever.

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

I didn't know about tonight being wassailing night at the square until Tuesday, or I would have alerted you. I'm not sure what we're doing on the 18th, but I will invite everyone.

Re: I am crazy shy around him. I can smile, wave, say "hi" as we pass each other, but the thougth of trying to go have an actual conversation is horrifying.

Heh. That is exactly how I felt around Adoraboy the first two months I knew him. It was unnerving how awkward I was, which made me even more awkward.

I don't think yours means the same as mine, though. Because I'm never going to see Adoraboy again after a few weeks, so it doesn't really matter how I feel about him.

I think it could mean many things:
A. You are interested in finding a guy who deserves you, and he is the first one you've met in a long time who fits that description. So maybe it's excitement that such a person exists, rather than interest in that specific person, since not many conversations have occurred between you.
B. Or maybe he really could be your Mr. Right, and you're cute and butterfly-stomached about him. If this is the case, the intensity of the nerves will pass. Unfortunately, it may take making a blubbering idiot of yourself a couple of times to break the ice.
C. Or maybe while he may be someone you need to know, he's not The One, so God is protecting you from getting to know how great he is until you can accept that he's not The One so that you don't have to lose a perfectly good friendship with Mr. Right because you're trying to get over a broken heart.
D. Or maybe he's not as good a guy as you've imagined, and Jesus loves you so much he can't stand for you to be disappointed again - not this soon - so he lets you be squirrely.

What is true:
A. When it's the one, God will take care of all that trusty lovey stuff.
B. God will take care of you no matter what.
C. It's okay to love someone, even if it hurts or freaks you out. Oh wait. That one was for me.

*hugs*

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Dude I'm getting all teary eyed.

*sucks it up*

Ok what's a good opening question to ask a boy at a gym? I'm at the point where i just want ot go up to him and say "I've been trying to get the nerve to talk to you again for like a month but I can't think of anything profound to say. So um... Hi." Of course that kind of honesty is just creepy to most people and would probably jsut embarass him.

I could do like Amber did to the trainer she thinks is cute,and just walk up behind him while he's on the phone and lick his neck.

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

No no! No licking his neck! The first licking should be reserved for at least the first full conversation. Never lick someone whom you can't manage to complete a sentence with. And it should also occur at a time when he's not at the gym and, thus, is less likely to smell (and taste) like ass. :)

And although I would be flattered and appreciate the blunt honesty of anyone who approached me that way at the gym (while at the same time wondering about their eyesight, as I definitely do not look my best while I'm there), a normal person would probably be a little creeped out by it. Maybe just say hi and see where it goes from there. Given the state of the nerves, that may be all you're able to say anyway. Brevity is your friend. Otherwise, nervous chatter may occur. And then you'll be That One. The One Who Babbles.

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

I already say Hi. I want to move forward int he conversation. I also told him about my bathroom being filled w/ raw sewage. Perhaps that wasn't the best toppic.

I was going to invite him to the Christmas party but i didn't get a chance because I had like 12 hrs notice about the actual tiem of the party. i would invite him to the play, but it would be hard to get to know him while I was o stage and he was in the audience.

I really don't want him to come to my church anyways. Because then he'll meet the college peopel and think that I must be evil like they are. Speaking of the college peopel, they are evil. After the play is over I may give up on them. The sang The Thong Song at church karaoke!

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Heh. One of the funniest karaoke moments I've ever seen was someone doing The Thong Song. But she was making fun of it more than actually trying to sing it well.

I think it's a good idea to invite him to the play. I seriously doubt that there's any danger of him thinking you are like the college group. You tend to stand out in stark contrast amongst them (that's a compliment, even though it doesn't really read like one. Oh well - you know what I meant. Insert that here.). Besides, the aftermath of a play lends itself naturally to coffee-getting. It also gives you something to talk about during said coffee-getting. You know, besides hi.

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

Anyone who's met the college group would read that as a compliment. Ok I'll invite him to the play. But he won't know anyone there. You'll have to sit w/ him. You are coming right?

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

It depends - I forget, when is it? I seem to have an 18th-ish feeling about it. The calendar is stacking up grotesquely.

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

yep it's the 18th @ 10:15 am. My calendar is getting full too. I have the last of 4 church Christmas parties right after the play and the office party is tomorow.

I feel like I don't have time to breath much less focus on the true reason for the season.

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Damn. I'm on worship team this week. But there will be video taken, right?

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

hmmmm? i don't know, but I'll find out. I don't think Mr. right is coming. I think in fact that I've been dissed by a bible thumping weight lifting drama geek. *is obviously not bitter*

Oh well that just means I'll still be available when Angelina realizes how much better I am for her than Brad.

When Matt makes his monthly call to screw w/ my head am I alowed to use him to take my mind off Mr. Right?

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

No! No! *blows in your face*

Oh, wait. You're not a puppy.

No! No! No letting Matt screw with...anything.

[sinisterf.livejournal.com]

I think people feel uncomfortable when other people are sad... like it is not natural, when of course it is. Maybe those people have their own issues? Still I'm sure it gets old having to deal with their attempts at alleviating a perceived problem that does not actually exist.

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

They keep trying to make me laugh. They act like clowns, which has to be as exhausting for them as it is for me. I guess they'd rather feel exhausted than awkward.

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Okay is actually quite nice, because at least it's honest.