An exercise in bravery

[coffeesnob318]

I feel the need to be brave. Now, some of you are going to read this entry and, when you get to the end, think, "So...what was so brave about that?" And some of you are new, and to you, I say I'm sorry - I usually don't write novellas, disguised as entries. But I think some of you will understand, because some of you are like me in that we're pretty open about most things, but we have our boundaries. I have no problem, for example, yammering on about my opinions or beliefs or random musings. So that's what comprises most of this journal - extraordinarily bad chupacabra art or the occasional mockery of politicians or "ooh pretty" *gurgles*.

But I've been finding it hard to post lately; I'm so detached from everything that I've been writing. But in order to really update what's going on (and isn't that the whole point of a journal?), I have to cross my boundary from what I think to what I feel and talk about what hurts me and makes me feel weak.

So I have to be vulnerable. Which I hate. And I can't type for shit right now. Not that that has anything to do with anything. I just thought you needed to know.

To add to the vulnerability, I've decided to keep this post unlocked, because I have quite a few friends who read who don't have an lj, and I want to include them. I suppose I could copy it into an email and send it to them. But...weird. The drawback to leaving it unlocked, though, is that anyone can read it, and that scares me a little.

But this is an exercise in bravery, no matter how lame it might seem, so here goes.

Throughout most of my life, I've been a pretty guarded person. I tend to be cautious about who gets close to me. Or at least I was, until about eight months ago when I had an epiphany - not only is this "guarding" business not shielding me from pain, it's making life incredibly dull in the process. So I decided to make a conscious effort to be less guarded.

It's been easier than I thought it would be. Whenever I feel myself holding back because of fear, I just...don't. And it works. Some things really are that simple.

For the most part, the outcome has been amazing. For the most part, people are amazing. And they love to be loved. And I wouldn't go back to the way I was before for anything.

This is not to say that I blindly throw my heart at anyone who pays me the smallest amount of attention. I am 31 years old. I know what I like and what I dislike. I have a pretty good idea of what I expect in a friend (a concept that includes almost everybody) and what I expect in a more-than-a-friend (a concept that excludes almost everybody).

It's not unusual for people to have an idea of what they do and do not want in a potential dating/marriage (aw - I wrote the word without cringing. I've grown so much) partner (oh, there was the cringing. I hate that word - partner. It's so clean and collaborative, and sometimes, relationships just aren't. But I digress...). Nor is it unusual for people as dorkily organized as I am to make a list, describing what such a person might be. But as a testament to my freakish nerddom, I must confess that I have not one, not two, not three, but four such lists.

Like I said, I know what I want.

The first two lists are those attributes that I find 1) absolutely necessary and 2) absolutely unacceptable. These lists are fairly short (7 items or less) but not subject to negotiation (hence the "absolutely"). The next two lists are much longer, fluid, and are just preferences - one "it would be nice if he ___" and one "I kinda hope he doesn't ___." As one might imagine, there are few men in my life that even fit the first two lists, much less all four.

All of this is to bring us to what has been going on with me. Man, this has been boring. I really should go back to grad school - I've certainly got the length for it. I like giving background information; I'm thorough like that. I could also just be stalling, hoping most of you will get bored or annoyed and stop reading before I get to what I was going to say. It's probably a bit of both, And it's probably been successful.

Anyway...

Like I said, this letting people affect me business has been good for me, but it's also been a roller coaster of success and failure. Let's start *cough*stallsomemore*cough* with the happy/no harm-no fouls -

1: There's this one guy who listens really well. And he challenges me intellectually. We argue a lot, but that's just our way of hashing out ideas. We don't ever walk away mad. Years ago, I would have thought to myself, Wow - he can actually carry on a conversation, and would have fallen into deep smit right there, based on nothing more than a few well-timed arguments. And I would have rationalized away all the myriad of ways that he's not right for me in order to make room for that one way that he is. And I would have sacrificed a perfectly good friendship because of it. But I have an idea of what I want and what it looks like, and this guy's just not it.

2: There's this other guy who is hot. Like a hot, hot thing. I have lost the ability to form words around this person before. It was quite embarrassing. But that's really all he has going for him. Don't get me wrong - he has many endearing moments, most of which reduce me to a quivering mass of goo, so I don't dislike his personality. But he also has a couple of my unnacceptables - he has a history of being emotionally abusive (not with me - the boy's not completely stupid - but that doesn't make it ok) and a liar. Not cool. So I love him, but in the way that one loves an adorable, naughty pet that constantly digs up the flower beds and pees on the carpet. Definitely just a friend sort of guy.

And it's mutual. If they had lists, I wouldn't fit theirs either. It's nice to be able to relax and be their friends, whereas before I would have been so freaked out by the attraction that I would have tried to make us fit or just flipped out and run away.

But there's a third guy (why do things always happen to me in threes? Why not two? Or five? I was just wondering).

He fits my lists. I've never met anyone before who fits my lists. I've barely met anyone who even fits my first two lists, much less most of the preferences as well. We are similar where it counts, dissimilar enough to be interesting, and there is chemistry. And he has lists (yes, plural), too. Oh, yeah. Talk nerdy to me.

I just realized this about a month ago, and I've been completely weirded out since. I thought this was just my old defense mechanisms kicking in, so I didn't really pay much attention to it. Should have paid attention to it all along. Because it turns out that there's one very important part of my list he doesn't fit - one absolutely necessary part.

That I be his first choice.

I'm not his first choice. I'm his friend. I'm a confidante. I fit his list, but not as well as another. And I won't be settled for - that's not acceptable. If experience has taught me nothing else, it's taught me not to settle for being settled for.

I just always assumed that when I found someone who fit me, that I would fit him back. And it's not that I'm not good enough - the things I don't fit aren't even things I aspire to or would want to be. They're just different. Just not me.

If there was ever a time to dig in my heels, about a month ago would have been that time.

But now I just feel stupid and sad and clueless and rejected and dammit - I was careful! And so out of control - there's not a single thing I could have done to avoid this. And weak. And vulnerable. And hopeless. And I feel myself hollowing out, trying to carve out the hurt but leaving nothing in its place.

And I'm really tired.

And weak. And 1 & 2 are looking pretty good right about now. Not for serious. Just for fun. But I know me. I don't do casual very well. I can't even type it well. The first two times, I typed "causal" instead. Freudian type.

I don't do casual. Because people are not shoes. I can't just try them on because they look shiny and pretty and then toss them aside. I'm just not made that way.

But I'm not made hollow either. The last eight months have ruined me for hollow forever.

I'm trying to wrap this up and give it closure, but I don't know how. There are so many things going through my head that just don't fit into words.

Comments

I think you're very brave

[(Anonymous)]

You're brave and smart and I'm glad you wrote about this. I've been trying the same things, but I find it very hard but also really good. I've also totally been where you are - it sucks and can make you want to do crazy things. Try to keep your head and remember that you're cooler than a rockstar.

Re: I think you're very brave

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm trying very hard not to do crazy things. I've done crazy things in the past, but that was a long, long time ago. It's been surprising how much I have to remind myself that I'm not that person any more.

I am pretty cool. It's true. *nods* :) Thanks again.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, honey, I am so proud of you. I know what it's like to be "rewarded" like that for opening yourself up, but you're not giving up on yourself. You amaze me.
I do hope the hollowness doesn't stay long. I know numbness is sometimes worse/scarier than good old pain.
You are strong, and smart, and you know it. Be honest with yourself. You're going to be fine. I'm so sorry you had to go through this though. If there's anything I can do, let me know, ok?
-Bubbles79

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think I just need support right now. And that's hard for me to ask for. Thanks for giving it.

And this situation is not without rewards. We're friends, so if I don't do anything insane, I still get to keep him as a friend. No huge loss. Just sad.

[nonnierms.livejournal.com]

aw, honey, I'm sorry you've got the hollowness right now :( I wish I had some magic words to make it all better {{hugs}} It sucks, doesn't it, that when you find someone you fit with, they don't necessarily feel the same :\ Eventually, though, you reach the point where you realize that the fit on paper wouldn't have been good enough--meeting each other's lists are only a tiny part of finding your fit. yes, those factors are important and can make or break a relationship, but the much more important part of finding a good fit is the emotional connection, the part that binds you together much more than a list of attributes ever will. He may be your match on paper but the very fact that you are not his first choice means he just isn't good enough for you. Not because there is anything wrong with him but because you deserve to be the first choice. If he did choose you, I'm sure both of you could be content--but love and marriage and devotion and joining your lives deserves so much more than just contentment. Hold out for happiness, too. Does this mean you won't feel the pain or the hollowness of watching a potential good fit walk away? Nope, you'll mourn the loss. But one day when you find your first choice and know that you are his first choice as well, the memory and pain of hollowness drifts away and you'll think to yourself that you are very glad you held out for happiness instead of mere contentment.......

*scratches head* i hope that made sense to you. It makes sense to me but that's just in my own head.......

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, it made sense in my head, too.

My lists are pretty fluid. Well, except for those two that list basic things like he can't be an abusive asshole or cheat on me, and I want someone with the same basic beliefs. But most of the rest are more guidelines than actual rules. And - you're going to laugh - the emotional connection is actually on my necessary list. Because you're right - all other things considered, if it doesn't work out in 3-D, it just won't work.

I'm just sad now. It will be better soon. Sad's ok.

[nonnierms.livejournal.com]

sad is definetely okay--it has its place in our lives, just as much as happiness does. But even though I know its okay, I still want to protect you from it :P

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

You are brave, inspiringly so. (insert wise and helpful words here)
I love you. Except for that one key chromasone you'd totally fit my list (I'm glad I proofread, I accidently typed "lust" the first time), but I use more of a rating system than a list.

We could combine your list and my rating and publish it and be richer than Dr. Judy.

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* Thanks. I love you back. I give you a 10.

Dr. Judy would be jealous of us. *nods*

Who's Dr. Judy?

[ravenluvslex.livejournal.com]

She writes books and used to be on that radio show LoveLines. Il istened to it when I was like 12 and thought she was brilliant. Now i'm mostly amused.

I think she wrote the the dating for dummies book.

[gradeafan.livejournal.com]

::tight-tight hug::

yes you are brave for sharing such personal intimate feelings in such a public forum.

I wish I could give some kind of insight to your circumstances....but really now when my only lasting relationship is a fictional character...I'm sure I'm not the one to turn to. I do understand how you feel. I also applaud you for not being settled for....that's a big deal...and I'm a perfect example of how seven years later it's just gonna end in legal action of one kind or another.

g

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Hey - don't knock the lasting relationships with fictional characters. At least they're constant. Even when they go into reruns, they still show up. And then there are always the DVDs...and fan fiction...worlds of possibility.

Thanks for the kindness. *hugs back*

Bravo Braveheart!

[karyn5101969.livejournal.com]

You're braver than me, because at least you tried. I closed that part of me off years ago. Mostly because I consider dating a torture akin to a war crime which should be dealt with under the 4th Geneva Convention, Pt.5, Sec.1, Article 147. Yes, I have that written down, otherwise I'd forget the details. And did you know that when you say 'Geneva Convention', you are in fact referring to the 3rd Convention? There are four in reality. Ergo the lengthly diatribe that includes the place in the legislation. But I digress. Consider yourself the brave little toaster who found what he was looking for, and give yourself a hearty pat on the back for even putting yourself out there.

Re: Bravo Braveheart!

[coffeesnob.livejournal.com]

Heh. I actually did know that it was the third convention. And I liked the digression. It's a good distraction.

Thanks for the kind words. I tell myself I'm brave, but I just feel weak. I'm sure that will pass.

Re: Bravo Braveheart!

[karyn5101969.livejournal.com]

That's just the emotional reaction that everyone has, as they feel foolish about letting themselves get out there and were met with less than a standing ovation. It'll go away as long as you don't dwell on it. Just remember that it's okay to feel all peely wally for a bit, but then you've got to suck it up and get out there again...or you can be like me and become a hermit. But I don't recommend that.

provides access

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you for taking the time to make that clearer.